Laelius on Friendship (M. Tullius Cicero)

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	Laelius on Friendship Author: M. Tullius Cicero	Translator: William Armistead Falconer
67	est igitur prudentis sustinere ut cursum , sic impetum benevolentiae , quo utamur , quasi equis temptatis , sic amicitia , aliqua parte periclitatis moribus amicorum . quidam saepe in parva pecunia perspiciuntur quam sint leves ; quidam autem , quos parva movere non potuit , cognoscuntur in magna . sin vero erunt aliqui reperti qui pecuniam praeferre amicitiae sordidum existiment , ubi eos inveniemus , qui honores magistratus imperia potestates opes amicitiae non anteponant , ut , cum ex altera parte proposita haec sint , ex altera ius amicitiae , non multo illa malint ? imbecilla enim est natura ad contemnendam potentiam , quam etiam si neglecta amicitia consecuti sint , obscuratum iri arbitrantur , quia non sine magna causa sit neglecta amicitia .	Hence it is the part of wisdom to check the headlong rush of goodwill as we would that of a chariot, and thereby so manage friendship that we may in some degree put the dispositions of friends, as we do those of horses, to a preliminary test. Some men often give proof in a petty money transaction how unstable they are; while others, who could not have been influenced by a trivial sum, are discovered in one that is large. But if any shall be found who think it base to prefer money to friendship, where shall we find those who do not put office, civil and military rank, high place and power, above friendship, so that when the former advantages are placed before them on one side and the latter on the other they will not much prefer the former? For feeble is the struggle of human nature against power, and when men have attained it even by the disregard of friendship they imagine the sin will be forgotten because friendship was not disregarded without a weighty cause.
68	itaque verae amicitiae difficillime reperiuntur in eis , qui in honoribus reque publica versantur . ubi enim istum invenias , qui honorem amici anteponat suo ? quid ? haec ut omittam , quam graves , quam difficiles plerisque videntur calamitatum societates , ad quas non est facile inventu qui descendant . quamquam Ennius recte : amicus certus in re incerta cernitur ; tamen haec duo levitatis et infirmitatis plerosque convincunt , aut si in bonis rebus contemnunt aut in malis deserunt . qui igitur utraque in re gravem constantem stabilem se in amicitia praestiterit , hunc ex maxime raro genere hominum iudicare debemus et paene divino .	Therefore, true friendships are very hard to find among those whose time is spent in office or in business of a public kind. For where can you find a man so high-minded as to prefer his friend’s advancement to his own? And, passing by material considerations, pray consider this: how grievous and how hard to most persons does association in another’s misfortunes appear! Nor is it easy to find men who will go down to calamity’s depths for a friend. Ennius, however, is right when he says: When Fortune’s fickle the faithful friend is found; yet it is on these two charges that most men are convicted of fickleness: they either hold a friend of little value when their own affairs are prosperous, or they abandon him when his are adverse. Whoever, therefore, in either of these contingencies, has shown himself staunch, immovable, and firm in friendship ought to be considered to belong to that class of men which is exceedingly rare—aye, almost divine.
69	firmamentum autem stabilitatis constantiaeque est eius quam in amicitia quaerimus fides est ; nihil est enim stabile , quod infidum est . simplicem praeterea et communem et consentientem , id est , qui rebus isdem moveatur , elegi par est ; quae omnia pertinent ad fidelitatem . neque enim fidum potest esse multiplex ingenium et tortuosum , neque vero , qui non isdem rebus movetur naturaque consentit , aut fidus aut stabilis potest esse . addendum eodem est , ut ne criminibus aut inferendis delectetur aut credat oblatis , quae pertinent omnia ad eam , quam iam dudum tracto , constantiam . ita fit verum illud , quod initio dixi , amicitiam nisi inter bonos esse non posse . est enim boni viri , quem eundem sapientem licet dicere , haec duo tenere in amicitia : primum , ne quid fictum sit neve simulatum ; aperte enim vel odisse magis ingenui est quam fronte occultare sententiam ; deinde non solum ab aliquo allatas criminationes repellere , sed ne ipsum quidem esse suspiciosum , semper aliquid existimantem ab amico esse violatum .	Now the support and stay of that unswerving constancy, which we look for in friendship, is loyalty; for nothing is constant that is disloyal. Moreover, the right course is to choose for a friend one who is frank, sociable, and sympathetic—that is, one who is likely to be influenced by the same motives as yourself—since all these qualities conduce to loyalty; for it is impossible for a man to be loyal whose nature is full of twists and twinings ; and, indeed, one who is untouched by the same influences as yourself and is naturally unsympathetic cannot be either loyal or steadfast. To this observation should be added a requirement tending to produce that steadfastness, which I have been discussing for some time: a friend must neither take pleasure in bringing charges against you nor believe them when made by others. And so, the truth of what I said in the beginning is established: Friendship cannot exist except among good men. For it is characteristic of the good man, whom I may also call the wise man, to maintain these two rules in friendship: first, let there be no feigning or hypocrisy; for it is more befitting a candid man to hate openly than to mask his real thoughts with a lying face; secondly, let him not only reject charges preferred by another, but also let him avoid even being suspicious and ever believing that his friend has done something wrong.
70	accedat huc suavitas quaedam oportet sermonum atque morum , haudquaquam mediocre condimentum amicitiae . tristitia autem et in omni re severitas habet illa quidem gravitatem , sed amicitia remissior esse debet et liberior et dulcior et ad omnem comitatem facilitatemque proclivior .	To this should be added a certain affability of speech and manner, which gives no mean flavour to friendship. While unvarying seriousness and gravity are indeed impressive, yet friendship ought to be more unrestrained, genial, and agreeable, and more inclined to be wholly courteous and urbane.
71	exsistit autem hoc loco quaedam quaestio subdifficilis , num quando amici novi , digni amicitia , veteribus sint anteponendi , ut equis vetulis teneros anteponere solemus . indigna homine dubitatio ; non enim debent esse amicitiarum , sicut aliarum rerum , satietates ; veterrima quaeque , ut ea vina quae vetustatem ferunt , esse debent suavissima , verumque illud est , quod dicitur , multos modios salis simul edendos esse , ut amicitiae munus expletum sit .	But at this point there arises a certain question of some little difficulty: Are new friends who are worthy of friendship, at any time to be preferred to old friends, as we are wont to prefer young horses to old ones? The doubt is unworthy of a human being, for there should be no surfeit of friendships as there is of other things; and, as in the case of wines that improve with age, the oldest friendships ought to be the most delightful; moreover, the well-known adage is true: Men must eat many a peck of salt together before the claims of friendship are fulfilled.
72	novitates autem , si spem afferunt , ut tamquam in herbis non fallacibus fructus appareat , non sunt illae quidem repudiandae , vetustas tamen suo loco conservanda ; maxima est enim vis vetustatis et consuetudinis . quin in ipso equo , cuius modo feci mentionem , si nulla res impediat , nemo est quin eo , quo consuevit , libentius utatur quam intractato et novo ; nec vero in hoc , quod est animal , sed in eis etiam , quae sunt inanima , consuetudo valet , cum locis ipsis delectemur , montuosis etiam et silvestribus , in quibus diutius commorati sumus .	But new friendships are not to be scorned if they offer hope of bearing fruit, like green shoots of corn that do not disappoint us at harvest-time; yet the old friendships must preserve their own place, for the force of age and habit is very great. Nay, even in the case of the horse just now referred to, everybody, nothing preventing, would rather use one to which he has grown accustomed than one that is untrained and new. And habit is strong in the case not only of animate, but also of inanimate things, since we delight even in places, though rugged and wild, in which we have lived for a fairly long time.
73	sed maximum est in amicitia superiorem parem esse inferiori . saepe enim excellentiae quaedam sunt , qualis erat Scipionis in nostro , ut ita dicam , grege . numquam se ille Philo , numquam Rupilio , numquam Mummio anteposuit , numquam inferioris ordinis amicis . Q . vero Maximum fratrem , egregium virum omnino , sibi nequaquam parem , quod is anteibat aetate , tamquam superiorem colebat suosque omnis per se posse esse ampliores volebat .	But it is of the utmost importance in friendship that superior and inferior should stand on an equality. For oftentimes a certain pre-eminence does exist, as was that of Scipio in what I may call our set. But he never affected any superiority over Philus, or Rupilius, or Mummius, or over his other friends of a lower rank. For example, his brother Quintus Maximus, a distinguished man, no doubt, though by no means his equal, was treated by him as a superior, because he was older than himself. Indeed Scipio desired that he might be the cause of enhancing the dignity of all his friends.
74	quod faciendum imitandumque est omnibus , ut , si quam praestantiam virtutis ingeni fortunae consecuti sunt , impertiant ea suis communicentque cum proximis ; ut , si parentibus nati sint humilibus , si propinquos habeant imbecilliore vel animo vel fortuna , eorum augeant opes eisque honori sint et dignitati . ut in fabulis , qui aliquamdiu propter ignorationem stirpis et generis in famulatu fuerunt , cum cogniti sunt et aut deorum aut regum filii inventi , retinent tamen caritatem in pastores , quos patres multos annos esse duxerunt . quod est multo profecto magis in veris patribus certisque faciendum . fructus enim ingeni et virtutis omnisque praestantiae tum maximus capitur , cum in proximum quemque confertur .	And this course every man should adopt and imitate, so that if he is endowed with any superiority in virtue, intellect, or fortune he may impart it to his relatives and share it with his next of kin; or if, for example, his parents are of a lowly station and his relatives are less favoured in mind or estate than himself, he may increase the means of the one and be the source of honour and influence to the other; as in legends, men who have for a long time lived the life of menials, because their lineage and family were unknown, although discovered and found to be the sons of gods or of kings, nevertheless retain affection for the shepherds whom for many years they regarded as their parents. And surely such a feeling ought to be much stronger in the case of real and undoubted parents. For the fruit of genius, of virtue, and, indeed, of every excellence, imparts its sweetest flavour when bestowed on those who are nearest and dearest to us.
75	ut igitur ei , qui sunt in amicitiae coniunctionisque necessitudine superiores , exaequare se cum inferioribus debent , sic inferiores non dolere se a suis aut ingenio aut fortuna aut dignitate superari . quorum plerique aut queruntur semper aliquid aut etiam exprobrant , eoque magis si habere se putant quod officiose et amice et cum labore , aliquo suo factum queant dicere . odiosum sane genus hominum officia exprobrantium , quae meminisse debet is , in quem collata sunt , non commemorare qui contulit .	As, therefore, in the intimacy existing between friends and relatives the superior should put himself on a level with his inferior, so the latter ought not to grieve that he is surpassed by the former in intellect, fortune, or position. But many of the latter kind are continually uttering some complaints or reproaches even, especially if they think that they have done anything which they can speak of as an act of duty and of friendship, involving a certain amount of toil. A very disagreeable class of people, certainly, are those who are ever obtruding their own services, which ought to be kept in mind by him for whom they were performed and should not be mentioned by him who performed them.
76	quam ob rem , ut ei , qui superiores sunt , submittere se debent in amicitia , sic quodam modo inferiores extollere . sunt enim quidam qui molestas amicitias faciunt cum ipsi se contemni putant — quod non fere contingit nisi eis qui etiam contemnendos se arbitrantur ; qui hac opinione non modo verbis , sed etiam opera levandi sunt .	As, therefore, in friendship, those who are superior should lower themselves, so, in a measure, should they lift up their inferiors. For there are certain men who render friendships disagreeable by thinking themselves slighted—a thing which rarely happens, except in the case of persons who think that they really deserve to be slighted; but they ought to be relieved of such an opinion not by words only but by action.
77	tantum autem cuique tribuendum , primum quantum ipse efficere possis , deinde etiam quantum ille , quem diligas atque adiuves , sustinere . non enim neque tu possis , quamvis excellas , omnis tuos ad honores amplissimos perducere , ut Scipio P . Rupilium potuit consulem efficere , fratrem eius Lucium non potuit . quod si etiam possis quidvis deferre ad alterum , videndum est tamen quid ille possit sustinere .	Now, in the first place, you must render to each friend as much aid as you can, and, in the second place, as much as he whom you love and assist has the capacity to bear. For however eminent you may be, you cannot lead all your friends through the various grades to the highest official rank, as Scipio was able to do when he made Publius Rutilius consul, though he could not accomplish this result in the case of his brother, Lucius Rutilius. But even if you could bestow upon another any honour you chose, yet you must consider what he is able to bear.
78	omnino amicitiae corroboratis iam confirmatisque et ingeniis et aetatibus iudicandae sunt ; nec , si qui ineunte aetate venandi aut pilae studiosi fuerunt , eos habere necessarios , quos tum eodem studio praeditos dilexerunt . isto enim modo nutrices et paedagogi iure vetustatis plurimum benevolentiae postulabunt . qui neglegendi quidem non sunt , sed alio quodam modo aestimandi ; aliter amicitiae stabiles permanere non possunt . disparis enim mores disparia studia sequuntur , quorum dissimilitudo dissociat amicitias ; nec ob aliam causam ullam boni improbis , improbi bonis amici esse non possunt , nisi quod tanta est inter eos , quanta maxima potest esse , morum studiorumque distantia .	As a rule decisions about friendships should be formed after strength and stability have been reached in mind and age; nor should men who in boyhood were devoted to hunting and games of ball, keep as their intimates those whom they loved at that period simply because they were fond of the same pursuits. For on that principle nurses and the slaves who attended us to and from school, will, by right of priority of acquaintance, claim the largest share of our goodwill. I admit that they are not to be neglected, but they are to be regarded in an entirely different way; under no other conditions can friendship remain secure.For difference of character is attended by difference of taste and it is this diversity of taste that severs friendships; nor is there any other cause why good men cannot be friends to wicked men, or wicked men to good men, except that there is the greatest possible distance between them in character and in taste.
79	recte etiam praecipi potest in amicitiis , ne intemperata quaedam benevolentia , quod persaepe fit , impediat magnas utilitates amicorum . nec enim , ut ad fabulas redeam , Troiam Neoptolemus capere potuisset , si Lycomedem , apud quem erat educatus , multis cum lacrimis iter suum impedientem audire voluisset . et saepe incidunt magnae res , ut discedendum sit ab amicis ; quas qui impedire volt , quod desiderium non facile ferat , is et infirmus est mollisque natura et ob eam ipsam causam in amicitia parum iustus .	This rule also may properly be prescribed in friendship: Let not a sort of ungoverned goodwill (as very frequently happens) hinder your friends’ advantage in important matters. For indeed, if I may go back to legends, Neoptolemus could not have taken Troy if he had been willing to listen to Lycomedes, by whom he had been reared and who endeavoured with many tears to hinder him from setting out. Often, too, important duties arise which require the temporary separation of friends; and he who would hinder the discharge of those duties because he cannot easily bear his grief at the absence of his friends, is not only weak and effeminate, but, on that very account, is far from reasonable in his friendship.
80	atque in omni re considerandum est et quid postules ab amico et quid patiare a te impetrari .	In brief, it is your duty on every occasion to consider carefully both what you will demand from a friend and what you will permit him to obtain when he makes a demand on you.
81	est etiam quaedam calamitas in amicitiis dimittendis non numquam necessaria — iam enim a sapientium familiaritatibus ad volgaris amicitias oratio nostra delabitur . erumpunt saepe vitia amicorum tum in ipsos amicos , tum in alienos , quorum tamen ad amicos redundet infamia . tales igitur amicitiae sunt remissione usus eluendae et , ut Catonem dicere audivi , dissuendae magis quam discindendae , nisi quaedam admodum intolerabilis iniuria exarserit , ut neque rectum neque honestum sit nec fieri possit ut non statim alienatio disiunctioque facienda sit .	Furthermore, there is a sort of disaster in connexion with breaking off friendships—for now our discussion descends from the intimacies of the wise to friendships of the ordinary kind —which is sometimes unavoidable. There are often in friends outbursts of vice which affect sometimes their actual friends, sometimes strangers, yet so that the infamy of the evil flows over on to the friends. Therefore the ties of such friendships should be sundered by a gradual relaxation of intimacy, and, as I have heard that Cato used to say, They should be unravelled rather than rent apart, unless there has been some outbreak of utterly unbearable wrongdoing, so that the only course consistent with rectitude and honour, and indeed the only one possible, is to effect an immediate withdrawal of affection and association.
82	sin autem aut morum aut studiorum commutatio quaedam , ut fieri solet , facta erit , aut in rei publicae partibus dissensio intercesserit ( loquor enim iam , ut paulo ante dixi , non de sapientium , sed de communibus amicitiis ) cavendum erit ne non solum amicitiae depositae , sed etiam inimicitiae susceptae videantur . nihil enim est turpius quam cum eo bellum gerere , quocum familiariter vixeris . ab amicitia Q . Pompei meo nomine se removerat , ut scitis , Scipio ; propter dissensionem autem , quae erat in re publica , alienatus est a collega nostro Metello ; utrumque egit graviter ac moderate et offensione animi non acerba .	But if, on the other hand, as usually happens, a mere change of disposition and of tastes should occur, or if a difference in political views should arise (for I am talking now, as I said a moment ago, not of friendships existing between wise men, but of those of the ordinary kind), care must be taken lest it appear, not only that friendship has been put aside, but that open hostility has been aroused. For nothing is more discreditable than to be at war with one with whom you have lived on intimate terms. Scipio, as you both know, had severed his friendship with Quintus Pompeius on my account;and, moreover, because of a disagreement in politics, was estranged from my colleague, Metellus; he acted with deliberation and moderation in each instance, and without any bitter feeling of resentment.
83	quam ob rem primum danda opera est ne qua amicorum discidia fiant , sin tale aliquid evenerit , ut exstinctae potius amicitiae quam oppressae esse videantur . cavendum vero ne etiam in gravis inimicitias convertant se amicitiae ex quibus iurgia maledicta contumeliae gignuntur . quae tamen si tolerabiles erunt , ferendae sunt et hic honos veteri amicitiae tribuendus , ut is in culpa sit qui faciat , non is qui patiatur , iniuriam . omnino omnium horum vitiorum atque incommodorum una cautio est atque una provisio , ut ne nimis cito diligere incipiant neve non dignos .	Wherefore, in the first place, pains must be taken that, if possible, no discord should arise between friends, but in case it does, then our care should be that the friendships appear to have burned out rather than to have been stamped out. And you must indeed be on your guard lest friendships be changed into serious enmities, which are the source of disputes, abuse, and invective. Yet even these, if endurable, are to be borne, and such respect is to be paid to the old-time friendship that he may be in the wrong who committed the offence and not he who suffered it. In short: there is but one security and one provision against these ills and annoyances, and that is, neither to enlist your love too quickly nor to fix it on unworthy men.
84	digni autem sunt amicitia , quibus in ipsis inest causa cur diligantur . rarum genus ! et quidem omnia praeclara , rara , nec quicquam difficilius quam reperire quod sit omni ex parte in suo genere perfectum . sed plerique neque in rebus humanis quicquam bonum norunt nisi quod fructuosum sit , et amicos tamquam pecudes eos potissimum diligunt , ex quibus sperant se maximum fructum esse capturos .	Now they are worthy of friendship who have within their own souls the reason for their being loved. A rare class indeed! And really everything splendid is rare, and nothing is harder to find than something which in all respects is a perfect specimen of its kind. But the majority of men recognize nothing whatever in human experience ence as good unless it brings some profit and they regard their friends as they do their cattle, valuing most highly those which give hope of the largest gain.
85	ita pulcherrima illa et maxime naturali carent amicitia per se et propter se expetita , nec ipsi sibi exemplo sunt , haec vis amicitiae et qualis et quanta sit . ipse enim se quisque diligit , non ut aliquam a se ipse mercedem exigat caritatis suae , sed quod per se quisque sibi carus est ; quod nisi idem in amicitiam transferetur , verus amicus numquam reperietur : est enim is qui est tamquam alter idem .	Thus do they fail to attain that loveliest, most spontaneous friendship, which is desirable in and for itself; and they do not learn from their own experience what the power of such friendship is and are ignorant of its nature and extent. For everyone loves himself, not with a view of acquiring some profit for himself from his self-love, but because he is dear to himself on his own account; and unless this same feeling were transferred to friendship, the real friend would never be found; for he is, as it were, another self.
86	quod si hoc apparet in bestiis , volucribus nantibus agrestibus , cicuribus feris , primum ut se ipsae diligant — id enim pariter cum omni animante nascitur — deinde , ut requirant atque appetant ad quas se applicent eiusdem generis animantis — idque faciant cum desiderio et cum quadam similitudine amoris humani — quanto id magis in homine fit natura , qui et se ipse diligit et alterum anquirit , cuius animum ita cum suo misceat , ut efficiat paene unum ex duobus !	Now if it is evident in animals, whether of the air, the water, or the land, and whether tame or wild, first, that they love themselves—for this feeling is born alike in every living creature—and, secondly, that they require and eagerly search for other animals of their own kind to which they may attach themselves—and this they do with a longing in some degree resembling human love—then how much more, by the law of his nature, is this the case with man who both loves himself and uses his reason to seek out another whose soul he may so mingle with his own as almost to make one out of two!
87	sed plerique perverse , ne dicam impudenter , habere talem amicum volunt , quales ipsi esse non possunt , quaeque ipsi non tribuunt amicis , haec ab eis desiderant . par est autem primum ipsum esse virum bonum , tum alterum similem sui quaerere . in talibus ea , quam iam dudum tractamus , stabilitas amicitiae confirmari potest , cum homines benevolentia coniuncti primum cupiditatibus eis quibus ceteri serviunt imperabunt ; deinde aequitate iustitiaque gaudebunt omniaque alter pro altero suscipiet ; neque quicquam umquam nisi honestum et rectum alter ab altero postulabit , neque solum colent inter se ac diligent , sed etiam verebuntur . nam maximum ornamentum amicitiae tollit , qui ex ea tollit verecundiam .	But most men unreasonably, not to say shamelessly, want a friend to be such as they cannot be themselves and require from friends what they themselves do not bestow. But the fair thing is, first of all, to be a good man yourself and then to seek another like yourself. It is among such men that this stability of friendship, of which I have been treating for some time, may be made secure; and when united by ties of goodwill, they will first of all subdue those passions to which other men are slaves; and, next, they will delight in what is equitable and accords with law, and will go to all lengths for each other; they will not demand from each other anything unless it is honourable and just, and they will not only cherish and love, but they will also revere, each other. For he who takes reverence from friendship, takes away its brightest jewel.
88	itaque in eis perniciosus est error , qui existimant libidinum peccatorumque omnium patere in amicitia licentiam . virtutum amicitia adiutrix a natura data est , non vitiorum comes , ut , quoniam solitaria non posset virtus ad ea quae summa sunt pervenire , coniuncta et consociata cum altera perveniret . quae si quos inter societas aut est aut fuit aut futura est , eorum est habendus ad summum naturae bonum optimus beatissimusque comitatus .	Therefore a fatal mistake is made by those who think that friendship opens wide the door to every passion and to every sin. Friendship was given to us by nature as the handmaid of virtue, not as a comrade of vice; because virtue cannot attain her highest aims unattended, but only in union and fellowship with another. Such a partnership as this, whether it is, or was, or is yet to be, should be considered the best and happiest comradeship along the road to nature’s highest good.