Caligula (Suetonius)

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	Caligula Author: Suetonius	Translator: Alexander Thomson
37	Nepotatus sumptibus omnium prodigorum ingenia superauit , commentus nouum balnearum usum , portentosissima genera ciborum atque cenarum , ut calidis frigidisque unguentis lauaretur , pretiosissima margarita aceto liquefacta sorberet , conuiuis ex auro panes et obsonia apponeret , aut frugi hominem esse oportere dictitans aut Caesarem . quin et nummos non mediocris summae e fastigio basilicae Iuliae per aliquot dies sparsit in plebem . fabricauit et deceris Liburnicas gemmatis puppibus , uersicoloribus uelis , magna thermarum et porticuum et tricliniorum laxitate magnaque etiam uitium et pomiferarum arborum uarietate ; quibus discumbens de die inter choros ac symphonias litora Campaniae peragraret . in extructionibus praetoriorum atque uillarum omni ratione posthabita nihil tam efficere concupiscebat quam quod posse effici negaretur . et iactae itaque moles infesto ac profundo mari et excisae rupes durissimi silicis et campi montibus aggere aequati et complanata fossuris montium iuga , incredibili quidem celeritate , cum morae culpa capite lueretur . ac ne singula enumerem , immensas opes totumque illud Ti . Caesaris uicies ac septies milies sestertium non toto uertente anno absumpsit .	In the devices of his profuse expenditure, he surpassed all the prodigals that ever lived; inventing a new kind of bath, with strange dishes and suppers, washing in precious unguents, both warm and cold, drinking pearls of immense value dissolved in vinegar, and serving up for his guests loaves and other victuals modelled in gold; often saying, " that a man ought either to be a good economist or an emperor." Besides, he scattered money to a prodigious amount among the people, from the top of the Julian Basilica, during several days successively. He built two ships with ten banks of oars, after the Liburnian fashion, the poops of which blazed with jewels, and the sails were of various parti-colours. They were fitted up with ample baths, galleries, and saloons, and supplied with a great variety of vines and other fruit-trees. In these he would sail in the day-time along the coast of Campania, feasting amidst dancing and concerts of music. In building his palaces and villas, there was nothing he desired to effect so much, in defiance of all reason, as what was considered impossible. Accordingly, moles were formed in the deep, and adverse sea, rocks of the hardest stone cut away, plains raised to the height of mountains with a vast mass of earth, and the tops of mountains levelled by digging; and all these were to be executed with incredible speed, for the least remissness was a capital offence. Not to mention particulars, he spent enormous sums, and the whole treasures which had been amassed by Tiberius Caesar, amounting to two thousand seven hundred millions of sesterces, within less than a year.
38	Exhaustus igitur atque egens ad rapinas conuertit animum uario et exquisitissimo calumniarum et auctionum et uectigalium genere . negabat iure ciuitatem Romanam usurpare eos , quorum maiores sibi posterisque eam impetrassent , nisi si filii essent , neque enim intellegi debere ' posteros ' ultra hunc gradum ; prolataque Diuorum Iuli et Augusti diplomata ut uetera et obsoleta deflabat . arguebat et perperam editos census , quibus postea quacumque de causa quicquam incrementi accessisset . testamenta primipilarium , qui ab initio Tiberi principatus neque illum neque se heredem reliquissent , ut ingrata rescidit ; item ceterorum ut irrita et uana , quoscumque quis diceret herede Caesare mori destinasse . quo metu iniecto cum iam et ab ignotis inter familiares et a parentibus inter liberos palam heres nuncuparetur , derisores uocabat , quod post nuncupationem uiuere perseuerarent , et multis uenenatas matteas misit . cognoscebat autem de talibus causis , taxato prius modo summae ad quem conficiendum consideret , confecto demum excitabatur . ac ne paululum quidem morae patiens super quadraginta reos quondam ex diuersis criminibus una sententia condemnauit gloriatusque est expergefacta e somno Caesonia quantum egisset , dum ea meridiaret . Auctione proposita reliquias omnium spectaculorum subiecit ac uenditauit , exquirens per se pretia et usque eo extendens , ut quidam immenso coacti quaedam emere ac bonis exuti uenas sibi inciderent . nota res est , Aponio Saturnino inter subsellia dormitante , monitum a Gaio praeconem ne praetorium uirum crebro capitis motu nutantem sibi praeteriret , nec licendi finem factum , quoad tredecim gladiatores sestertium nonagies ignoranti addicerentur .	Having therefore quite exhausted these funds, and being in want of money, he had recourse to plundering the people, by every mode of false accusation, confiscation, and taxation, that could be invented. He declared that no one had any right to the freedom of Rome, although their ancestors had acquired it for themselves and their posterity, unless they were sons; for that none beyond that degree ought to be considered as posterity. When the grants of the Divine Julius and Augustus were produced to him, he only said, that he was very sorry that they were obsolete and out of date. He also charged all those with making false returns, who, after the taking of the census, had by any means whatever increased their property. He annulled the wills of all who had been centurions of the first rank, as testimonies of their base ingratitude, if from the beginning of Tiberius's reign they had not left either that prince or himself their heir. He also set aside the wills of all others, if any person only pretended to say, that they designed at their death to leave Caesar their heir. The public becoming terrified at this proceeding, he was now appointed joint-heir with their friends, and in the case of parents with their children, by persons unknown to him. Those who lived any considerable time after making such a will, he said, were only making game of him; and accordingly he sent many of them poisoned cakes. He used to try such causes himself; fixing previously the sum he proposed to raise during the sitting, and, after he had secured it, quitting the tribunal. Impatient of the least delay, he condemned by a single sentence forty persons, against whom there were different charges; boasting to Caesonia when she awoke, "how much business he had dispatched while she was taking her mid-day sleep." He exposed to sale by auction, the remains of the apparatus used in the public spectacles; and exacted such biddings, and raised the prices so high, that some of the purchasers were ruined, and bled themselves to death. There is a well-known story told of Aponius Saturninae, who happening to fall asleep as he sat on a bench at the sale, Caius called out to the auctioneer, not to overlook the praetorian personage who nodded to him so often; and accordingly the salesman went on, pretending to take the nods for tokens of assent, until thirteen gladiators were knocked down to him at the sum of nine millions of sesterces, he being in total ignorance of what was doing.
39	in Gallia quoque , cum damnatarum sororum ornamenta et supellectilem et seruos atque etiam libertos immensis pretiis uendidisset , inuitatus lucro , quidquid instrumenti ueteris aulae erat ab urbe repetiit , comprensis ad deportandum meritoriis quoque uehiculis et pistrinensibus iumentis , adeo ut et panis Romae saepe deficeret et litigatorum plerique , quod occurrere absentes ad uadimonium non possent , causa caderent . cui instrumento distrahendo nihil non fraudis ac lenocinii adhibuit , modo auaritiae singulos increpans et quod non puderet eos locupletiores esse quam se , modo paenitentiam simulans quod principalium rerum priuatis copiam faceret . compererat prouincialem locupletem ducenta sestertia numerasse uocatoribus , ut per fallaciam conuiuio interponeretur , nec tulerat moleste tam magno aestimari honorem cenae suae ; huic postero die sedenti in auctione misit , qui nescio quid friuoli ducentis milibus traderet diceretque cenaturum apud Caesarem uocatu ipsius .	Having also sold in Gaul all the clothes, furniture, slaves, and even freedmen belonging to his sisters, at prodigious prices, after their condemnation, he was so much delighted with his pains that he sent to Rome for all the furniture of the old palace; pressing for its conveyance all the carriages let to hire in the city, with the horses and mules belonging to the bakers, so that they often wanted bread at Rome; and many who had suits at law in progress lost their causes, because they could not make their appearance in due time according to their recognizances. In the sale of this furniture every artifice of fraud and imposition was employed. Sometimes he would rail at the bidders for being niggardly, and ask them " if they were not ashamed to be richer than he was ?" at another he would affect to be sorry that the property of princes should be passing into the hands of private persons. He had found out that a rich provincial had given two hundred thousand sesterces to his chamberlains for an underhand invitation to his table, and he was much pleased to find that honour valued at so high a rate. The day following, as the same person was sitting at the sale, he sent him some bauble, for which he told him he must pay two hundred thousand sesterces, and " that he should sup with Caesar upon his own invitation."
40	Vectigalia noua atque inaudita primum per publicanos , deinde , quia lucrum exuberabat , per centuriones tribunosque praetorianos exercuit , nullo rerum aut hominum genere omisso , cui non tributi aliquid imponeret . pro edulibus , quae tota urbe uenirent , certum statumque exigebatur ; pro litibus ac iudiciis ubicumque conceptis quadragesima summae , de qua litigaretur , nec sine poena , si quis composuisse uel donasse negotium conuinceretur ; ex gerulorum diurnis quaestibus pars octaua ; ex capturis prostitutarum quantum quaeque uno concubitu mereret ; additumque ad caput legis , ut tenerentur publico et quae meretricium quiue lenocinium fecissent , nec non et matrimonia obnoxia essent .	He levied new taxes, and such as were never before known, at first by the publicans, but afterwards, because their profit was enormous, by centurions and tribunes of the pretorian guards; no description of property or persons was exempted from some kind of tax or other. For all eatables brought into the city a certain excise was exacted; for all law-suits or trials, in whatever court, the fortieth part of the sum in dispute; and such as were convicted of compromising litigations were made liable to a penalty. Out of the daily wages of the porters he received an eighth, and from the gains of common prostitutes, what they received for one favour granted. There was a clause in the law, that all bawds who kept women for prostitution or sale, should be liable to pay, and that marriage itself should not be exempted.
41	eius modi uectigalibus indictis neque propositis , cum per ignorantiam scripturae multa commissa fierent , tandem flagitante populo proposuit quidem legem , sed et minutissimis litteris et angustissimo loco , uti ne cui describere liceret . ac ne quod non manubiarum genus experiretur , lupanar in Palatio constituit , districtisque et instructis pro loci dignitate compluribus cellis , in quibus matronae ingenuique starent , misit circum fora et basilicas nomenculatores ad inuitandos ad libidinem iuuenes senesque ; praebita aduenientibus pecunia faenebris appositique qui nomina palam subnotarent , quasi adiuuantium Caesaris reditus . ac ne ex lusu quidem aleae compendium spernens plus mendacio atque etiam periurio lucrabatur . et quondam proximo conlusori demandata uice sua progressus in atrium domus , cum praetereuntis duos equites R . locupletis sine mora corripi confiscarique iussisset , exultans rediit gloriansque numquam se prosperiore alea usum .	These taxes being imposed, but the act by which they were levied never submitted to public inspection, great grievances were experienced from the want of sufficient knowledge of the law. At length, on the urgent demands of the Roman people, he published the law, but it was written in a very small hand, and posted up in a corner, so that no one could make a copy of it. To leave no sort of gain untried, he opened brothels in the Palatium, with a number of cells, furnished suitably to the dignity of the place; in which married women and free born youths were ready for the reception of visitors. He sent likewise his nomenclators about the forums and courts, to invite people of all ages, the old as well as the young; to his brothel, to come and satisfy their lusts: and he was ready to lend his customers money upon interest; clerks attending to take down their names in public, as persons who contributed to the emperor's revenue. Another method of raising money, which he thought not below his notice, was gaming, which, by the help of lying and perjury, he turned to considerable account. Leaving once the management of his play to his partner in the game, he stepped into the court, and observing two rich Roman knights passing by, he ordered them immediately to be seized, and their estates confiscated. Then returning in great glee, he boasted that he had never made a better throw in his life.
42	Filia uero nata paupertatem nec iam imperatoria modo sed et patria conquerens onera conlationes in alimonium ac dotem puellae recepit . edixit et strenas ineunte anno se recepturum stetitque in uestibulo aedium Kal . Ian . ad captandas stipes , quas plenis ante eum manibus ac sinu omnis generis turba fundebat . nouissime contrectandae pecuniae cupidine incensus , saepe super immensos aureorum aceruos patentissimo diffusos loco et nudis pedibus spatiatus et toto corpore aliquamdiu uolutatus est .	After the birth of his daughter, complaining of his poverty, and the burdens to which he was subjected, not only as an emperor, but a father, he made a general collection for her maintenance and fortune. He likewise gave public notice, that he would receive new-year's gifts on the calends of January following; and accordingly stood in the vestibule of his house, to clutch the presents which the people of all ranks threw down before him by handfuls and lapfuls. At last, being seized with an invincible desire of feeling money, taking off his slippers, he repeatedly walked oyer great heaps of gold coin spread upon the spacious floor, and then laying himself down, rolled his whole body in gold over and over again.
43	Militiam resque bellicas semel attigit neque ex destinato , sed cum ad uisendum nemus flumenque Clitumni Meuaniam processisset , admonitus de supplendo numero Batauorum , quos circa se habebat , expeditionis Germanicae impetum cepit ; neque distulit , sed legionibus et auxiliis undique excitis , dilectibus ubique acerbissime actis , contracto et omnis generis commeatu quanto numquam antea , iter ingressus est confecitque modo tam festinanter et rapide , ut praetorianae cohortes contra morem signa iumentis imponere et ita subsequi cogerentur , interdum adeo segniter delicateque , ut octaphoro ueheretur atque a propinquarum urbium plebe uerri sibi uias et conspergi propter puluerem exigeret .	Only once in his life did he take an active part in military affairs, and then not from any set purpose, but during his journey to Mevania, to see the grove and river of Clitumnus. Being recommended to recruit a body of Batavians, who attended him, he resolved upon an expedition into Germany. Immediately he drew together several legions, and auxiliary forces from all quarters, and made every where new levies with the utmost rigour. Collecting supplies of all kinds, such as never had been assembled upon the like occasion, he set forward on his march, and pursued it sometimes with so much haste and precipitation, that the pretorian cohorts were obliged, contrary to custom, to pack their standards on horses or mules, and so follow him. At other times, he would march so slow and luxuriously, that he was carried in a litter by eight men; ordering the roads to be swept by the people of the neighbouring towns, and sprinkled with water to lay the dust.
44	Postquam castra attigit , ut se acrem ac seuerum ducem ostenderet , legatos , qui auxilia serius ex diuersis locis adduxerant , cum ignominia dimisit ; at in exercitu recensendo plerisque centurionum maturis iam et nonnullis ante paucissimos quam consummaturi essent dies , primos pilos ademit , causatus senium cuiusque et imbecillitatem ; ceterorum increpita cupiditate commoda emeritae militiae ad † sescentorum milium summam recidit . nihil autem amplius quam Adminio Cynobellini Britannorum regis filio , qui pulsus a patre cum exigua manu transfugerat , in deditionem recepto , quasi uniuersa tradita insula , magnificas Romam litteras misit , monitis speculatoribus , ut uehiculo ad forum usque et curiam pertenderent nec nisi in aede Martis ac frequente senatu consulibus traderent .	On arriving at the camp, in order to show himself an active general, and severe disciplinarian, he cashiered the lieutenants who came up late with the auxiliary forces from different quarters. In reviewing the army, he deprived of their companies most of the centurions of the first rank, who had now served their legal time in the wars, and some whose time would have expired in a few days; alleging against them their age and infirmity; and railing at the covetous disposition of the rest of them, he reduced the bounty due to those who had served out their time to the sum of six thousand sesterces. Though he only received the submission of Adminius, the son of Cunobeline, a British king, who being driven from his native country by his father, came over to him with a small body of troops, yet, as if the whole island had been surrendered to him, he dispatched magnificent letters to Rome. ordering the hearers to proceed in their carriages directly up to the forum and the senate-house, and not to deliver the letters but to the consuls in the temple of Mars, and in the presence of a full assembly of the senators.
45	Mox deficiente belli materia paucos de custodia Germanos traici occulique trans Rhenum iussit ac sibi post prandium quam tumultuosissime adesse hostem nuntiari . quo facto proripuit se cum amicis et parte equitum praetorianorum in proximam siluam , truncatisque arboribus et in modum tropaeorum adornatis ad lumina reuersus , eorum quidem qui secuti non essent timiditatem et ignauiam corripuit , comites autem et participes uictoriae nouo genere ac nomine coronarum donauit , quas distinctas solis ac lunae siderumque specie exploratorias appellauit . rursus obsides quosdam abductos e litterario ludo clamque praemissos , deserto repente conuiuio , cum equitatu insecutus ueluti profugos ac reprehensos in catenis reduxit ; in hoc quoque mimo praeter modum intemperans . repetita cena renuntiantis coactum agmen sic ut erant loricatos ad discumbendum adhortatus est . monuit etiam notissimo Vergili uersu ' durarent secundisque se rebus seruarent .' Atque inter haec absentem senatum populumque grauissimo obiurgauit edicto , quod Caesare proeliante et tantis discriminibus obiecto tempestiua conuiuia , circum et theatra et amoenos secessus celebrarent .	Soon after this, there being no hostilities, he ordered a few Germans of his guard to be carried over and placed in concealment on the other side of the Rhine, and word to be brought him after dinner, that an enemy was advancing with great impetuosity. This being accordingly done, he immediately threw himself, with his friends, and a party of the pretorian knights, into the adjoining wood, where lopping branches from the trees, and forming trophies of them, he returned by torch-light, upbraiding those who did not follow him, with timorousness and cowardice: but he presented the companions and sharers of his victory with crowns of a new form, and under a new name, having the sun, moon, and stars represented on them, which he called Exploratorie. Again, some hostages were by his order taken from the school, and privately sent off; upon notice of which he immediately rose from table, pursued them with the cavalry, as if they had run away, and coming up with them, brought them back in fetters; proceeding to an extravagant pitch of ostentation likewise in his military comedy. Upon his again sitting down to table, it being reported to him that the troops were all reassembled, he ordered them to sit down as they were, in their armour, animating them in the words of the well-known verse of Virgil: Durate, et vosmet rebus servate secundis. Bear up, and save yourselves for better days. In the meantime he reprimanded the senate and people of Rome in a very severe proclamation "For revelling and frequenting the diversions of the circus and the theatre, and enjoying themselves at their villas, whilst their emperor was fighting and exposing himself to the greatest dangers."
46	postremo quasi perpetraturus bellum , derecta acie in litore Oceani ac ballistis machinisque dispositis , nemine gnaro aut opinante quidnam coepturus esset , repente ut conchas legerent galeasque et sinus replerent imperauit , ' spolia Oceani ' uocans ' Capitolio Palatioque debita ,' et in indicium uictoriae altissimam turrem excitauit , ex qua ut Pharo noctibus ad regendos nauium cursus ignes emicarent ; pronuntiatoque militi donatiuo centenis uiritim denariis , quasi omne exemplum liberalitatis supergressus : ' abite ,' inquit , ' laeti , abite locupletes .'	At last, as if resolved to make war in earnest, he drew up his army on the shore of the ocean, with his balistk and other engines of war, and while no one could imagine what he intended to do, on a sudden commanded them to gather up the sea shells, and fill their helmets and the folds of their dress with them, calling them " the spoils of the ocean due to the Capitol and the Palatium." As a monument of his success, he raised a lofty tower, upon which, as at Pharos, he ordered lights to be burned in the night-time for the direction of ships at sea; and then promising the soldiers a donative of a hundred denarii a man, as if he had surpassed the most eminent examples of generosity, "Go your ways," said he, "and be merry; go, ye are rich."
47	Conuersus hinc ad curam triumphi praeter captiuos ac transfugas barbaros Galliarum quoque procerissimum quemque et , ut ipse dicebat , ἀξιοθριάμβευτον , ac nonnullos ex principibus legit ac seposuit ad pompam coegitque non tantum rutilare et summittere comam , sed et sermonem Germanicum addiscere et nomina barbarica ferre . praecepit etiam triremis , quibus introierat Oceanum , magna ex parte itinere terrestri Romam deuehi . scripsit et procuratoribus , triumphum appararent quam minima summa , sed quantus numquam alius fuisset , quando in omnium hominum bona ius haberent .	In making preparations for his triumph, besides the prisoners and deserters from the barbarian armies, he picked out the men of greatest stature in all Gaul, such as he said were fittest to grace a triumph, with some of the chiefs, and reserved them to appear in the procession, obliging them not only to dye their hair yellow and let it grow long, but to learn the German language and assume the names commonly used in that country. He ordered likewise the gallies in which he had entered the ocean to be conveyed to Rome a great part of the way by land, and wrote to his comptrollers in the city " to make proper preparations for a triumph against his arrival, at as small expense as possible; but on a scale such as had never been seen before, since they had full power over the property of every one."
48	Prius quam prouincia decederet , consilium iniit nefandae atrocitatis legiones , quae post excessum Augusti seditionem olim mouerant , contrucidandi , quod et patrem suum Germanicum ducem et se infantem tunc obsedissent , uixque a tam praecipiti cogitatione reuocatus , inhiberi nullo modo potuit quin decimare uelle perseueraret . uocatas itaque ad contionem inermes , atque etiam gladiis depositis , equitatu armato circumdedit . sed cum uideret suspecta re plerosque dilabi ad resumenda si qua uis fieret arma , profugit contionem confestimque urbem † omnem petit , deflexa omni acerbitate in senatum , cui ad auertendos tantorum dedecorum rumores palam minabatur , querens inter cetera fraudatum se iusto triumpho , cum ipse paulo ante , ne quid de honoribus suis ageretur , etiam sub mortis poena denuntiasset .	Before he left the province he formed a design of the most horrid cruelty-to massacre the legions which had mutinied upon the death of Augustus, for seizing and detaining his father, Germanicus, their commander, and himself, then an infant, in the camp. Though he was with great difficulty dissuaded from this rash attempt, yet neither the most urgent entreaties nor representations could prevent him from persisting in the design of decimating these legions. Accordingly, he ordered them to assemble unarmed, without so much as their swords, and then surrounded them with armed horse. But finding that many of them, suspecting that violence was intended, were making off to arm in their own defence, he quitted the assembly as fast as he could, and immediately marched for Rome, bending now all his fury against the senate, whom he publicly threatened, to divert the general attention from the clamour excited by his disgraceful conduct. Amongst other pretexts of offence, he complained that he was defrauded of a triumph which was justly his due, though he had just before forbidden, upon pain of death, any honour to be decreed him.